My blog post turned into a journal entry. . . .

I have been struggling with my art the last several weeks. I couldn't come up with anything I liked, couldn't decide what to draw, looked at the work so many others were producing and thought my was not near as good. Just struggling with what I was suppose to be doing. Tonight it hit me.

I am trying too hard. I am trying to be a kind of artist that I am not. I am not at my best when trying to do very realistic drawing and painting. I look at others work and tell myself mine is as artistic as others. Well, I realized it doesn't matter what everyone's work looks like compared to mine, because we were all meant to do what we do best.

For me that has always been more design oriented type works or less realistic type work. That is what I like, that is what I do best, and that is what makes me like my work. I realized I was making "work" out of my producing art and not having any fun at it. I was not enjoying what I thought I should be doing. Soooooo now I am only going to do what pleases me. Who cares how good or not good it is. Who cares if I think someone else can do such and such picture better than I can.

God has given me a great and beautiful gift of my artistic talent. It was given to me to enjoy, to praise Him and to share with others. I am not meant to be doing what someone else does, not suppose to be comparing my work to others. I am to be doing what pleases me and makes my life more enjoyable.

I was going to be part of a my town's first Art Fair in June. It kept bothering me, because I didn't feel my work measured up to what I see at Art Fairs, didn't measure up to what I was sure most of the others work would be like. I was beginning to dread having to mat, package, set up and show off my work. It then hit me, I shouldn't be doing this if I wasn't having fun doing it. I shouldn't feel pressure to do something that was suppose to make me happy but didn't . So, I am not going to do it this year. I may next year, I may in some other Fair, but, I was not ready to do this now.

I have had alot of changes in my life in the past 6 years since my divorce, but, especially in the last six months since I quit teaching. I was married 25 years and then my life was turned upside down. Although it was my choice, it meant huge changes in my life. Going back to teaching, leaving my home, times of separation from my sons, estrangement from friends, my church, and on and on.

Resigning my teaching position last fall threw me into another huge lifestyle change. I have in the last 5 or so months finally found time to produce art for myself, not just to use as teaching examples, and I have had to face some things about my art and myself I wasn't really prepared for. I had people telling me to do this or that, or make my art for this or that, and I realized tonight that all of it is making me very unhappy instead of happy.

I want to paint, draw, sew, crochet, cross stitch, whatever it is because I want to !!! I want to draw what I like, when I want to and because I want to. I don't want to be pressured into doing it for an exhibit or an office wall or anything else for that matter, at least not right now. The time may come when I will want to produce art work to market, but, not yet. I need to find out who I am as an artist and what I love, before I start sharing it with others for monetary or exhibiting reasons.

It really doesn't matter if anybody even reads this post. This post is mostly a journal entry for me, not a post. I didn't start out to have it be that way, but, that is what happened. I think that I just finally had had it and knew I needed to voice what my heart was telling me.

I so love all the new friends I have made in "Blogland" and so admire all the different work I get to see, but, I have now realized we are each different, each talented in our own way, and each meant to do what makes us happy and pleased with our work.

Below is a piece I did starting last night, and finished tonight. This is probably my favorite kind of thing to do. This is where I find joy. So, this is what I am going to continue to do and also continue to find other new areas that make me happy with my art.

I also realized I like doing whimsical instead or more realistic drawings, so, I also am sharing my fish I did yesterday with this post.

I hope anyone that reads this realizes their own joy in their art work. I feel all our many gifts, whatever they may be, art, music, writing, whatever, are all gifts from God.

I am glad I wrote this, I needed to, and in a way it is a prayer of thankfulness to God for the talent He has given me.